My lovely children 

Oh my lovely children who I love so dear,
Are becoming little fuckers I am starting to fear,
What the stay at home mothers who make every darn thing,
Will think of me now because I am so ming,
Always covered in stains and hairs out of place,
I wish I had time to do up my face.

The relentless, endless, competitive playdates,
Neurotic mum’s, who dictate their child’s mates,
It’s hard enough having a child,
And then depriving them of being too wild,
No TV, no sugar, no scooting too far,
Judgement day beckons as I do the pick up by car.

I’ve decided that I won’t try to compete with those tiger mum’s,
I’d rather be happy and have a big tum.

My house has become a chaotic mess,
As I run around trying to find a clean dress,
Between the piles of endless shit,
I must keep going to find one that fits,
Finally see one and check it for stains,
As I look across the room I see my son starting to strain.

No, no, no – not on the floor I need to leave to catch my train,
Now I’ll be late and stinky again,
I wish the little bastard would just use the loo,
To save me from having to pick up his poo,
I heard dysentery is making a come back,
Probably due to all us mothers dealing with crap.

Welcome to motherhood, it’s far from fun,
But just remember you’re not the only one.

Two kids and two month’s later

Two month’s into what can only be described as a  fuzzy haze of madness. Sleep deprivation has taken hold and a distinct wail of a crying baby constantly rings in my ear, although the little lady is fast a sleep. Am I going mad or is this what life with a newborn is like? I’d forgotten how relentless it can be.

Camden my eldest starting school and having a baby within 48 hours was certainly an emotional time for the whole family. We’ve ploughed through, survived half term and seeing Una smile for the first time has made it all worth it. Camden has finally turned a corner and is managing his emotions…. I wish I could say the same about me.

I’m covered in baby sick most days, stink of piss (pelvic floor has gone to pot), have about 20kgs to shift, lactating gorilla boobs ready to squirt someone in the face, am physically and mentally drained but who cares? The show must go on….